The other day one of my friend excitedly told me that it is almost Christmas and my response was “OH MY GOODNESS. COLLEGE CRAP IS DUE SOON. I’M GOING TO DIE. WHAT IF I DON’T GET IN?” Later that day, my mom asked me how my job was going. As usual, I complained about how much working stinks. Oftentimes I forget about the possibility that maybe the world isn’t out to get me. I guess you could call me a fatalist. I seem to always come to the conclusion that everyone is going to be defeated and fail. Everything is trying to fail me. I believe that the fate of man is eventual despair and failure. Sometimes I think I’m one of the biggest teenagers ever. I am always negative. In Grendel, I have noticed that he is a bit like this too. For example when he sticks his middle finger up at the sky and when hoe doubts practically everything he comes near.
I always see the negative side. I am a pessimist. I think it is because I crave the truth. My outlook has been shifting lately though. I have been a small group leader for a couple months now and as I am teaching those kids, they are teaching me. I’m starting to lean more towards determinism, or the belief that everything happens due to some other previous event. If you think about life in that way it becomes very truthful. Everything that happens occurs for a reason. God does not face you with a challenge that is meant to defeat you.
I’m learning that maybe my negativity is just over exaggeration of the truth. Maybe I see things this way so I can change the views if others and shed a more positive light in people’s life. I like to call myself an artist and a person. But I do not think that is possible. Artists are weird and usually negative. But hey, if I can use it to help others then that is wonderful. Maybe I’m supposed to use all of this random talent that god has given me and make it art or at least something. Use all of this to my advantage and benefit others. I think I am supposed to take my disaster and make it art.
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